• You'll See Me Tomorrow Because...

    summer of 2012 in Orvieto, Italy. frolicking in fields. in my happy place

    so last week was national suicide prevention week. i saw so many beautiful posts of resiliance and strength and hope throughout social media, most specifically posted by fans and sponsers of the organization, to write love on her arms, a non profit whose goal is to encourge a culture of hope and present it to those struggling with depression, suicide, self-injury etc. their theme this year was "We'll See You Tomorrow." A hopeful message. Many people wrote poems, and a few that stood out to me in particular were those focused on the because. The why. The whys to keep going when anxiety and depression become an unpredicatable blanket that can so easily erase logical reasoning and cast out those usual sources of reminder and hope. The poems were titled You'll See me Tomorow Because... In an attempt of solidarity and self-love and to remind myself of the many many reasons I have for hope, I wrote one of my own. 

    You'll See me Tomorrow Because...

    i still remember the days when i awoke and the sun was shining for me.

    i still haven't seen the redwoods or hugged one.

    of corgis. of donuts. of bacon wrapped dates. even though i burn them sometimes. 

    because the cockroaches would win.

    because someone told me they were in love with me and i love him.

    because of jenna and curtis and their home.

    of Tucson and all that it has given me.

    of dusty, beat up boots and saguaros and golden light and mornings when i wake up early enough to see LIght's patterns on the wall.

    because butterflies in my stomach and joshua tree.

    because wildflowers will continue to grow in the spring.

    of haboobs and dip n dots.

    of finding that dress i feel beautiful in.

    of whiskey and red wine 

    because i still have to go back to italy

    because i still have to go to iceland.

    of talking in parking lots way after midnight

    of flowers and Flower and the feeling when he grabbed my hand for the first time.

    of color film 

    of adventures and fog and driving without the ability to see more that a few feet in front of me and being on my own.

    of solidarity and conversations that give me chills.

    of dance parties and teaching danielle how to pop lock and drop it.

    of leg day and squats and feeling confident.

    of Bruce Springsteen and the state of Pennsylvania.

    of watermelon and the sound of cicadas in the summer.

    because nutella exists and it goes so well with bananas.

    of cheese.

    of wet hair and sun burnt skin and the smell of apple scented lotion and feeling sand at the bottom of my sleeping bag.

    of candles.

    because someone, and many other someones, reminded me i was worth it.

    someone reminded me i had the strength to fight.

    of all the books i haven't read yet and all the songs that have not yet gotten stuck in my head.

    because of uncle dave and tyler and josh even though i never met him.

    of waking up at my parents' house around the holidays and being able to smell it is Christmas before i open my eyes.

    of hugging my parents.

    because i still need to photograph my dad and his brothers.

    of how i feel when i dance

    because of the small moments. because of the big moments.

    because i want to wear that blue dress again.

    of cuddling and being content and safe in someone's arms.

    of turquoise and hats that are magic

    of snowing on New Years

    of warming your wet toes by the fire.

    because God isn't finished writing my story yet. 

    because Jesus won.

    of dancing with my dad at my wedding someday

    of holding babies and someday holding one of my own.

    of my dream to sing my kids to sleep.

    of my dream to write a children's book.

    of lightning bugs and swings on porches.

    of all the people i haven't met yet and all the stories i haven't heard and all the people i haven't loved.

    because Vienna waits for me.

    because i want to learn to cook my own spaghetti sauce.

    because i want to share my artwork with others.

    of the solo show i still want to have.

    of the lecture i still want to give someday about my artwork.

    of potential and growth.

    of colorful flags that flap in the wind on long strings.

    because i still want to learn how to fly a kite.

    because i want to ride in a hot air balloon.

    of the places i want to go with you.

    of all the National Parks i have not seen.

    because i want to see Disneyland at Halloween.

    of pizza.

    of the way light catches dust that lingers in the air.

    of the dream i had that i was in a cherry blossom tree grove and cried. of the fact that i still want to see cherry blossom trees. 

    because i am worth it and want to fight to keep believing that.

    of trains whistling outside my window.

    of smore's and campfires and the people i still want to go camping with.

    of mom and dad and gina and dustin and julie and tierney and erica and ashley and kelley and brittni and danielle and alyssa and lexi and natalie and molly and mary and maggie and katie and cylan and garrett and micaela. 

    of all the people i want to work hard to forgive.

    of the boy who holds my hand when i cry and asks me what God is trying to tell me.

    of Stargirl and hiking and i still want to see Salvation Mountain.

    of boldness and pretty dresses 

    because i still want to find a fringe jacket.

    because i spent too much money on that beautiful leather jacket from italy. and it was worth it.

    because i have been given a gift.

    because of the person who told me to fight for what i wanted when he didn't know that's what i needed to hear.

    of Softy and summer camp and singing in the car and the shower.

    of dancing in the kitchen.

    of cactus & trees.

    of trees.

    because It is finished. because God is stronger than my anxiety.

    because i still remember the room i was in when i first heard "MmmBop" and because i still don't know the lyrics (it's a secret no one knows) ;)